I’ve been a baby for my whole life up until now and I have to say, I’ve reached the point where this life bores me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I rather enjoy wielding all of the power in our family and being able to completely ruin my mom or dad’s day with a well-timed bowel movement. I do fancy watching these grown and (allegedly) functional adults cater to my every whim and desire. 

Did you know, if I throw my bowl of blueberries across the room and hit my dad in the forehead, my mom will just…get me more?! I feel powerful and I want for nothing and yet, something is missing. My life, it lacks adventure. It lacks variety. It lacks SPICE. There has to be more to this life, my friends. 

A couple of weeks ago, I accidentally pulled myself up to standing so I could reach my dad’s AirPods and stick them in my nose. I didn’t intend to actually STAND, mind you, I just needed to close the gap between me and the potential to ruin yet another expensive Apple product (when will they learn?). After I’d toppled over, I heard mom whisper to dad, “I wonder if this means she’ll be walking soon!” Now, I had no intention of ever walking on my own precious baby feet—why walk when you can demand your servant-parents carry you everywhere? But I am intrigued. If walking is the zest I’ve been missing, then so be it! Off to Google ‘baby takes first steps’ for inspiration and tips on my form.

Three days later: It’s W-Day. I’ve been practicing standing and then gently lowering myself back down to the floor, I’m not trying to break any baby bones here. I didn’t know today was going to be THE DAY, but mom and dad both look like they slept a combined eleven minutes and are very distracted, so obviously I want to time it so they nearly miss it and feel guilty for the rest of their natural lives. 

Also, dad left his Apple Watch AND a fork on the low table, so I am suddenly very motivated. Just gonna pull up on the couch here, annnnnnnd ok! I’m standing. Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious. I am upright! Little wobbly, kind of scared, but I’m committed. Tight core, eyes on the prize, don’t look down. First foot, other foot, first foot again I think, I don’t know, the babies in the videos didn’t get far, I am totally winging it at this point. I think it’s working! One more stepppppp and WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! WHO SCREAMED?? Why is mom crying? Dammit I’ve been caught, what do I dooooooo? 

I can’t fall forward, I’ll break my face! If I fall backward I’ll break my butt! I just need a couple more steps, and then the for…WHERE IS THE FORK? Ugh, mom must have snatched it when she saw I was on the move. Screw it, I’m just gonna keep going, I’ve made it this far. Annnnnnd, table. I did it! I walked a record-breaking seven inches! Gave the video camera my good smile too, gonna throw the ‘rents a bone on this one. Let them have this little milestone, the next one I’m totally doing at Grandma’s house.

Didn’t realize six steps would wipe me out this much, so I may actually nap during naptime today. Also going to work on my parkour and rappelling skills in the crib. I heard them whispering something about baby gates and backpack leashes, so clearly shots have been fired. You can’t contain this level of power, guys, But it’ll be fun to watch you try.