We are in a new generation of parenting. With terms like gentle, respectful, authoritative, and attachment parenting, society seems to be obsessed with how parents can raise resilient, compassionate, emotionally intelligent, and well-adjusted kids. Without a doubt, this is a top priority for me, both as a mother of two and as a perinatal psychotherapist specializing in supporting women throughout all stages of parenting and motherhood. But, I wish we were also talking about creating confident and happy moms. I wish society would focus on the correlation between a happy parent and a happy child. 

When we consider how to raise successful children, we can’t leave the mental health and wellbeing of mothers out of the equation. With the tremendous amount of pressure put on moms these days to be perfect and to “do it all,” we need to adjust the expectations, especially since most are living in circumstances and systems that pose significant challenges (i.e., lack of paid maternity leave, exorbitant costs of childcare, concerns over physical and emotional safety of children, the heavy mental load, balancing professional, personal, and household responsibilities, just to name a few). We can’t eliminate these problems overnight. Most of what moms face is out of their control. So what can they control to help enrich their own lives and the lives of their families?

Here are three ways that moms can get the support they need, which in turn can create better outcomes within the family unit.

1. Therapy 

For many, therapy is a remarkable gift. Speaking to a professional each week who can help you process your deepest fears, keep your biggest secrets, celebrate your giant wins, and simply listen to everything in between can be the most supportive piece for people who are looking for more joy and fulfillment in their lives. For moms, there is no shortage of topics to explore, from shifting relationship dynamics with one’s spouse, to toddlers who are hitting other kids in school. 

A therapist will help you feel seen, be valued for your whole self (not just your identity as a mother), and guide you through the process of slowing down and examining what might lead you to achieve greater happiness. In some cases, you might also reflect on your childhood experiences and relationships and how they affect you today as an adult. To have an impartial sounding board, an empathetic, supportive ally in your corner, and simply a part of your week that just belongs to you can be extremely transformative in the lives of moms. 

2. Social Supports and Friendships 

In addition to therapy, engaging in authentic friendships can help moms feel greater happiness and combat feelings of isolation and loneliness. When moms feel alone in whatever they might be struggling with, they are at greater risk of experiencing emotional distress. By finding a cheerleader who is “on your bench” and who offers unconditional support, moms can actually combat perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, both in pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. 

Whether you’re expecting a child, or already a mom to multiple children, friendships can offer encouragement or advice during the hard times and also remind you of who you are outside of being a mom. There’s a reason why moms often long for “girls trips,” putting them on the calendar months in advance, where they can focus more on being friends and individuals, not just moms in the daily grind. Even if you rely on text messages instead of trips together, finding community and comfort with friends can be an invaluable source of support.     

3. Putting Yourself on the List 

I know this can feel impossible. Even if it’s as simple as lighting a candle, stretching for ten minutes, going for a walk, calling a friend, or listening to your favorite music or podcast, the goal is to prioritize you and what feels great in the moment. 

Taking time for yourself is a simple act of self-care. If you were to actually compile the list of every task, thought, decision, and thing you have to remember to do, nearly all of them are to meet the needs of someone else other than yourself. Most of the time, the items on your top-do list are to keep your household running smoothly. Do you remember to schedule your child’s dentist appointment before your own? Do you make sure to buy all the essential foods that your kids love, and your own meals become an afterthought? Are you constantly arranging playdates and activities for your kids, yet barely have time to coordinate what often feels impossible– a date with your partner, a get-together with your friends, or a workout class? It’s important to first recognize this imbalance and then start making your own needs a priority. 

Schedules are jam-packed, bills have to be paid, and adulting is plain old hard. With moms being pulled in a million directions, it’s easy to overlook what they need to feel more whole, more fulfilled, and more connected to themselves. Of course let’s focus on how to raise resilient and happy children, but let’s first ask: How are the moms doing? If we want strong children, we need strong mothers.